DO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO, AND GO WHERE YOU'RE GOING TO

Jan 6
I resisted for such a long time. With the many, many idols and rhythms of jpop and kpop to distract me, I hadn't felt the need to revisit my first boy band again. But then, your parents fire up Peter Jackson's Get Back, and well, you simply have to return. I guess that's part of going back home.

To be honest, I've been revisiting a lot of Old Things lately. I've dipped back into Phantom of the Opera many times now, I've been playing with the Scarecrow from Batman like a little doll, I've been chasing down movies whose passing image stuck with me but that I'd never watched before, like Scream or Mad Love. Or any movie James Spader was in from the 80s to 90s.

After spending years fully incorporating the indulgence of jpop and kpop fandom idolatry into my brain chemistry, going back to these Old Things feels different. It feels healing. It's nice to revisit the things I've loved after remembering how to love unabashedly again. And as a grown woman, there's an element of wholeness that was absent before. I've been through enough that I don't get caught up in the delusion, but I still get a taste of that that high, like a nice drink at the end of a hard day, week, month, year.

Being into idols is always a bit about projection for me. As a kid I loved Ringo--I suppose I liked the sweetest, goofiest one because I'm naturally drawn to comic relief. Watching Get Back, I can see how he was also a bit of a peace-keeper in the Beatles, or at least dedicated and conflict-averse. Maybe I caught this back then, during repeated viewings of the library's copy of Help, and saw it in myself as well. In all likelihood, I probably related to his narrativised Neglected arc in A Hard Day's Night, where he's kicking rocks and feeling forgotten.

Watching Get Back, I was struck, then, by how much I related to George instead. Ringo's sweetness came through, but he seemed to have no vivid angst about the state of the band or his creative future, at least in this document. Truthfully, I could also relate to Paul–-the people-pleaser feverishly talking over someone to try and get them to cooperate. But so, so often I've felt like the glowering George, attempting to create something meaningful and personal while some idiot ignored me to write Maxwell's Silver Hammer. I left all my closest friends at a beloved job that treated me awfully, at almost the same age as George left the Beatles. I needed to create something on my own, without being drowned out by people who made me feel worse about myself. I can imagine the freedom and possibility he must have felt when he left Twickenham after lunch and left the Beatles.

Okay, okay, let's get to the genuine Idol Thoughts of all this: George looks fantastic in Get Back. Of the four, the mop-top look seemed to suit George the least. The rounded crop of bangs didn't particularly suit his intense brow or sharp cheekbones. But the creeping 70s fashion here highlights all his best features. His hair is longer, perfectly cut and voluminous, framing his angular face beautifully from brow to chin. Really, his dark hair and eyelashes are stunning here. And his handsome mustache and goatee have never suited a man so well before. And suddenly, his thick, dark brows and moody eyelashes don't feel as unwieldy as the cute boy days. Every gorgeous hair is perfectly in place.

Admittedly, while doodling George from a Get Back gif pictured below, I caught myself imaging what it would be like to run my hands through his hair. I gasped at myself and kept drawing, a little more giddy than before.

His fashion is consistently the peak. The jaunty ascot under the collared shirt, tucked nicely into high-waisted pants, tight at the thigh then flared out at the ankle, only to be cut, once again, by a skinny heeled boot. And then he puts a cropped fur coat on!! What am I supposed to do with that?! Where am I supposed to go out and buy that outfit right now?!

At some point, he's got his Lee Dongwook Grim Reaper fit, literally a black fedora and a black double-breasted coat, over the most adorable high collared white button-down accented by a thick, floppy black bow at the collar. What the hell. We've got purple frills, we've got a pink turtleneck, we've got more ascots, we've got proto-UGG embroidered fur boots (?!?!). Jean jackets! Floppy shirts tucked into a skinny waist! He asks for a bolo tie at some point even though I don't remember him getting it!!!!

So yeah, you come for the relatability of feeling Neglected and you stay for the beautiful, angsty, well-dressed, thick-lashed man. That's what it's all about, baby.

Now, when I listen to George songs on Revolver or Rubber Soul, I get a new hint of excitement, like, That's my boy!!! like he's my kpop bias in a group and he finally got to produce his own song. One of my favorite Beatles songs, Something, has never made my heart flutter as much.

And, when you hear the demo of While My Guitar Gently Weeps without that racist Eric Clapton in it, your heart and your tears and your sympathy get caught in your throat as George sings

I look from the wings
At the play you are staging
As I'm sitting here
Doing nothing but aging
Still my guitar gently weeps